I never start these posts with the intention of writing as much as end up writing…and understand if some of you just don’t have the time to read it all. Having said that – most of what I wrote came right from my heart – such that I couldn’t have stopped writing, even if I wanted to…
I have been part of this community and a listener – to some degree for at least 8 years. During this time, I have asked for community prayer, strength and encouragement a few times before. Like I did prior to writing this, every time I have posted to the prayer wall in the past, I have always taken some time to read several of the prayer requests recently posted by others in he DAB community. Just as it did today, reading about the difficult circumstances other members of the DAB community are facing, never fails to change my perspective regarding the issues leading me here in the first place. Almost always resulting in me feeling somewhat guilty for asking you to pray for things that I had considered to be ‘problems’ – but now in comparison to the issues others are facing here – seem to be no more then ‘inconveniences’. Despite all this – at this point, I don’t think it really matters what the specific issues are that brought us here – the pain, loneliness, hopelessness, lack of self – esteem and self – worth that result from all of these various situations hurts. No matter what provoked our tears….they are all salty and wet, and capable of making our nose run if we cry enough of them. No matter what it is that broke our hearts, nor how long it took for it to happen, the emptiness and pain we feel inside – and the memory of the love that used to occupy the same place – makes it hard for all of us to get out of bed in the morning and try to put one foot in front of the other. …

We all need to feel loved and appreciated – and to know that we matter deeply to someone. Furthermore, we need to know that this love, appreciation and being the ‘apple’ of someone’s eye does not depend on what we do or don’t do, say or don’t say or really on anything that can be here one moment and gone the next. This condition alone rules out the fact that these core requirements – necessary for the sustenance of our souls – can be dependably provided by any mortal being. Even for those blessed with having individuals in their lives – who are both willing and capable of giving and receiving unconditional love, it won’t and can’t last forever. For the majority of us here – at the ‘prayer wall’ within the DAB website – we know that the only reliable, dependable and perpetual source of unconditional love, appreciation and meaning is God – period. Despite this knowledge, many of us – like me, at the present time – feel at times, like we are depleted of all these resources….and as a result, we experience the ‘gnawing’ pain that accompanies being unable to sustain our souls.

So……this is how I feel now. Despite the fact that I know that God is the ultimate source of the love I need, and that Christ has made it possible for me to access this love for close to 20 years, it feels out of my reach now. Similarly to the times I’ve felt this way before, I feel compelled to seek out others, whom are on similar journeys. Hoping for companionship, wisdom they have gained through experience, and yes – comfort, warmth – affection and love as well. Biblically, it is clear that we are primarily instructed to focus and develop our relationship with God. This is what really matters. Knowing us better then we know ourselves, anticipating our need for love and meaning – at least to the degree that can be obtained from another human, God created marriage – a relationship capable of sustaining us while we are both on the ultimate quest. Although I recall times when I felt the joy, peace and serenity that comes from being secure in God’s overwhelming Love, I feel uncertain that I will be able to feel that way again. Although I am aware of the fact that I have much to contribute to the world as a whole and to others through personal relationships, as well a strong desire to do so – I sense little, if any, demand or desire on the part of the world and/or others, to receive it. Finally – despite understanding that the way I view the world – especially at times like these – is greatly affected by the lenses (inaccurate as they may be…) I developed throughout my life, I find myself constantly comparing myself with others – trying to understand how they, who seemingly care little for the welfare or hearts of those they interact with, appear to always be offering and/or providing commodities that are much desired and in great demand by those around them.

Although I know that these feeling arise out of my ‘brokenness’. They are based in insecurity, my wavering level of faith and the skewed way I have perceived the world – for as long as I can remember. I know my feelings and conclusions are not drawn from the reality of God’s creation – but instead from my inaccurate interpretation of that creation. So – my fellow DABer’s – Christian brothers and sisters, with all that I wrote above in mind, I ask for you to pray along with me as I pray for:
“God to open my eyes, to see things as they are – and not as I’ve made them out to be. To lead me in the ways that allow me to exchange the loneliness, exhaustion, feelings of being unlovable and hopelessness for meaning, purpose, love and faithfulness”
“To help me find the Willingness and discipline to make prayer and meditation tasks that I look forward to with anticipation – knowing that they are a major part of the solution to these problems – not just boxes to check off on my ‘to – do’ list”
“God to lead me back to the place where I can access and draw comfort from His unconditional Love”
“I ask God to help me from committing the Sin of Covetous and Envy – Secure that I am in the place and the relationships He desires for me at this time”
“I ask God to provide me with wisdom, discernment and vision – such that I will find the path He has laid out for me. A path where the gifts He has blessed with me with – Music/Teaching/Empathy and Wonder will be of most use to the Kingdom..”

Paul