It’s been 13 years since I attempted to overdose with sleeping pills. “That was rock bottom so the only way to go is up,” they said. But oh nooooooo, it MUCH WORSE. Then my O.C.D. came out of nowhere, then came the food allergies, then came my irritable bowels or S.M.A.S. then the house got foreclosed, then my closest friends got married and had kids and disappeared, then my dad’s drinking and temper problem worsened, then I tried a very popular philosophy called LAW OF ATTRACTION and was practicing putting out good vibrations into the universe and reached the PINNACLE of positive thinking to reach my BREAKTHROUGH……..then immediately my 2001 Toyota Highlander which was paid off and running good until I hit a deer and totaled it. I HATE LIFE SOOOOOOO MUCH!!! I’m 40 years old and I’ve been DILIGENTLY seeking the Lord SINCE MY MID TEENS!!! I’ve been praying for the love of my life, a wife, a help meet, SINCE MY MID TEENS AND I’M STILL SINGLE!!! I’ve been accused of being gay AND accused of being a pedophile because it SO WEIRD that such a good natured, handsome, loving, rare breed of a guy like me still be single….but I forgave those accusers. I BROKE MY BACK to put myself in position to meet a wife, I hoped, wished, prayed, worked and waited and waited and waited and waited and WAITED. I went to charitable events, conventions, concerts, bars, clubs, parks, sporting events, New Years parties and 4th of July fireworks. I was a weekly regular at certain book stores, libraries, restaurants and grocery stores. I had friends before they disappeared but didn’t get hooked up. I DID ALL THAT AND I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT, I’M NOT EVEN DATING SOMEONE BY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To put salt in my wounds, I had to watch as my friends got married and moved on. Many of them lived a life of LUST before getting married. I skipped the lust, remained a virgin, thinking God would favor me and bring me the wife I waited for. I’m still single AND IT HURST, IT’S DISCOURAGING, MY VIRGIN HORMONES ARE RAGING, TEMPATION IS EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!! I had to go to porn to try to take the edge off and I did ask the Lord for deliverance from my porn addition MANY TIMES. I even actually managed to stop watching porn for ONE WHOLE YEAR which for me at the time was a HUGE STRETCH!!!!!! I mean that took A LOT!!!! I thought the Lord would reward me for that but nothing happened, nothing in any stressful area in my life improved. I wasn’t even sure the Lord even noticed how hard I was trying. Out of all the available women on this planet who outnumber men 5 to 1…….I JUST WANTED ONE…….to fall in love with, to love me in return and faithfully spend our lives together. All the experiences I list in the essay barely scratch the surface of my suffering. But the worst thing I ever experienced in LIFE is when my spiritual counselor died. There were no Christians in my life to talk to, no one who had the love, compassion, empathy, humility, understanding and sensitivity that I desperately needed. I had already seen several therapist but the ONE that I really liked was a man named Mr. Hungerford. He was like a spiritual Christian counselor with a bachelor’s degree in psychology. I was referred to him by Ross, a friend from work who attended the same Church. Mr. Hungerford was so soft spoken, so understanding, people gravitated towards him. After our first session I felt so relieved to find someone I could talk to who I could trust with everything I was dealing with. Just being in his presence made me feel close to God. I had more hope than I ever felt in my whole life. A few weeks later, I was informed that Mr. Hungerford was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer and immediately became too sick to see patients. As he was suffering, he asked my friend who referred me to him how I was doing. I think Ross told him I was stable but I don’t think Mr. Hungerford knew I was far from it. He died later that year, I was devastated and I became angry and bitter with God. “HOW COULD HE TAKE HIM AWAY WHEN I NEEDED HIM MOST?” I knew that there was something special about Mr. Hungerford because I have been around many other pastors, ministers, Church leaders and so called counselors but NOBODY gave off the kind of loving, compassionate, humbled vibrations that Mr. Hungerford possessed. I thought. After he died, I decided I didn’t want to see another therapist or counselor, NO…….NEVER AGAIN. Call me bitter, call me angry, call me a quitter. NO ONE understands how that loss destroyed me, NO ONE understands how hard it is to trust Christians as so many are back-sliding. NO ONE understands how I hard to SCRATCH AND CLAW just to make it this far. NO ONE understands how much I REACHED AND CHASED to people for help only to eventually be deserted. I deserve GOOD FRIENDS, the kind that make you feel like you’re NEVER forgotten, the kind who find time to spend with you, the kind who treasure your good qualities. But nobody seems to have the time anymore. Society, our economy, the family life keeps people so busy that nobody seems to have time for anyone but their own and God fearing people are among them. Then there’s the toxic side of humanity. I am KIND, HUMBLE, SELFLESS, CARING, GIVING, THOUGHTFUL, CHARITABLE AND VERY DEEPLY LOVING SOUL. And I’ve been this way basically my whole life. Yet somehow I keep running into hateful, spiteful, lustful, drunk, inconsiderate, 2-faced hot-tempered, profane, toxic, bullies. Then there’s the toxic Christians JUDGEMENTAL, SELF-RIGHTEOUS, DISRESPECTFUL, HYPOCRITICAL, MISLEADING, CONTRADICTING Christians who lack compassion, humility, understanding and belittle your life your experiences. These are the type of Christians that made me stop going to Church and I REFUSE TO GO BACK Life just gets harder and harder and HARDER. My job (UPS) who I’ve been with for 20 years gets harder every year. They try to SQUEEEEEEEEEZE every bit out of us and pay us as little as possible but that’s what ALL OF CORPERATE AMERICA IS DOING NOW!!!! EVERYTHING is getting more expensive, food, groceries, cars, gas, homes and the government just TAKES AND TAKES AND TAKES AND TAKES. I had to pick up a second job with Alaska Airlines then Frontier Airlines just to try to keep up with the expenses. So that ‘s 3 JOBS I WORKED LAST YEAR!!!! I was SOOOOOO EXCITED to get my tax refund because I thought that with 3 jobs I would get a good return. But…..I only got $50 from federal…..AND I OWED THE STATE OF NC $300…….WHAT KIND OF COUNTRY DO WE LIVE IN NOW????? WE GET PUNISHED FOR WORKING MORE??????? Nobody works multiple jobs because they want to. we do it because the economy makes us feel like we HAVE TO!!! Scripture talks VIVIDLY about God admires the hard working man. Well if that’s true, then WHY IS MY HARD WORK NOT BEING REWARDED?!!!! I’m at the point where I would rather DIE than to have to keep working they way I do to try to have some quality of living, which is NOT really high quality but just getting by. Over the years I stopped dreaming big. I tried to minimize my prayers, make them more “doable” for God. I mean, so many of my prayers remained VOID, so many situations WORSENED, so many of my afflictions YET TO BE HEALED. I even tried to humble it down to just one prayer. NUMBER ONE, deliver me the wife I longed for. NUMBER TWO, deliver me to my dream career in music and I vowed to use that platform to help others.. NUMBER 3, a financial blessing enough to AT LEAST free me of all debts. NUMBER 4, a new car paid off. I asked the Lord if he would deliver on at least ONE of those 4 prayers right now, just to give me a boost. I’ve bottle up the anger, frustration and eagerness for SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG AND I CAN’T ANYMORE, YES I’M INFURIATED!!!!!!!!!! I listened to my audio bible for hours everyday, desiring to feel close to the Lord, making great effort to keep hope and faith. But I have to be honest though…..I kinda feel invisible to the Lord, my God. And in all sincerity…….and humility…….all I want in life at this point……is to rest……and I pray for it…..I CRY FOR IT……LORD PLEEEEEASE JUST LET ME REST!!!!…….But it doesn’t come. I’m still being attacked in all facets of my existence, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, socially, environmentally and so on. The only way I see out……the only way to make the PAIN STOP……..the only way to escape the constant, never-ending, everyday attacks…….the only way to truly REST……is to die. And so…..I contemplate another suicide attempt. Maybe purchasing a gun this time……..Lastly I just want to say that the reason I’ve lost so much hope is NOT just from my own suffering. I care about others deeply and I hurt for others, especially the ones I know personally and can see how deserving they are of their needs or desires. I see SO MANY PRAYERS here on DAB, some reoccurring on a weekly basis with no deliverance or improvements reported. And that’s just the Christians from the DAB prayer wall, out of all the hurting Christians on the planet. Life in pain is bad enough. Life with no hope is……..a very very slow death