I will write you an essay my sister because what you say needs my time and I cant explain that in a short way, I want to deal with each point as I see it, not because I am right but because another perspective is needed:

Not representing christ very well

May I first deal with your last point first, that you are not representing Christ very well, I tell you my biggest realisation recently across my life is exactly that. But it doesn’t matter, you are loved, chosen from your first day of your life, he loves you for all your ways, there is nothing that can separate you from the love that God has for you, because he gave everything for you (Romans 8: 31-39). Don’t put yourself down when you are living a hard situation, your situation sounds really hard and I am sorry to read it, but the biggest thing to realise is that we all fail daily, but Gods love is greater, if you have any doubt in what to do the first law covers this, Love your God with all your heart soul and mind, so when you fail or fall short think God still loves me, he has not condemned me therefore I will not condemn myself, that condemnation is not from him who gives you every good and perfect gift (James 1: 17).

Our own strength is not enough
I see you say no matter how hard I try its not enough, I tell you the truth God is saying stop in your own strength and come into a deeper relationship with me. I am living a time in life where I feel God is asking me to walk on water because of how hard it feels and Jesus has to keep reaching out as I sink, or like I am holding on to a Clift edge, but I think God may be saying let go and see it is my hand that will uphold you. It sounds as though you must walk in faith rather than sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). In such a time or walking such a path you have to trust that God has a plan and the only way to do it is being real close to our Lord, close in prayer, in worship seek new songs, (I have said to others but i love a band called I am they so start with worship) and close in the fellowship of believers I pray you have good pastoral support near you from Christian brothers and sisters. Your strength by yourself is not enough, like mine wasn’t until I gave everything to Christ, to realise that your strength is God and he is your shield (Psalm 28:7) when you have spare moment give time with him may be start with worship. Remembering that it is possible to he wants your to use this time to change in how you see your situation (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Unbelief or anger at him
At my lowest, just in my head and thoughts I was being blasphemous daily, I couldn’t believe it, I think it was my anger working itself out, but I was conflicted thinking how can I be angry at our loving God, and God said to me, don’t worry about it, I do not condemn you. So I wonder if it is feeling something towards him rather than thinking he doesn’t exist? Just think back to all your personal experiences with him. I believe it may be that you cant see him working or you are exhausted and he is just watching. IF it is this, then I say you need to hide in the shelter of his wings, by becoming close, tell him in pray about how you feel but give it to him say Lord take this from me.

Husband and job situation
I am so sorry to hear this know that your family here are praying, I will pray daily for you and for God to provide. Know God is working in your waiting but in this time of trial come close to him and know that he will renew your strength (Isaiah 40:31). I think you must think I can do a little and God can do a lot, so I pray that you both can come close to God at this time, Having said that I feel that this is for you:

Proverbs 3: 5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not in your own understanding, in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight

I hope and pray this helps, I write it being sleep deprived and my young children being active in the background. Remember come close to him and he will come close to you, but you take the first step towards a new relationship and commitment even at this most hard time.

Praying for you as you take on these struggles. Praying that you feel Gods abundant love.

One day at a time sister. One day at at a time. Keep diving into Gods word. It is so comforting to read.