No one should have to endure the kind of betrayal, rejection and disappointment that I have had to endure. I’m awake.. because my heart is so heavy and the burdens that I carry run so deep that if I acknowledge it ..it would destroy me. It is destroying me. I beg god for redemption. I don’t feel like I ask for much. I try with everything in me to honor him and serve him and try daily to let go of bitterness. All I want is a stable home and a job where I fit and that I’m good at. I have specific talents but I seem to end up in places where I don’t belong and they let me know and either try to get rid of me or let me know they want to. The rejection I’ve faced is unfathomable, yet I remain humble. The tears I have cried could fill an ocean. The loves that I have lost are enough to destroy anyone and prevent them from the ability to move on. The kids that I loved with everything in my soul that I had to walk away from. The fact that my own son who gave me a real purpose for so many years never stops telling me that I’m a failure and that he hates me..not to mention the worthless, b*** can’t keep a job or get a good man part. My soul is crushed, my spirit is crushed from trying to live. I try to be grateful. I am grateful but my circumstances are seeking to devour me. The atmosphere around me is so dark and hopeless. I don’t have a place in the world where I’m needed and I fit anymore. I don’t want encouragement .I want change. I deserve it. I deserve a husband who can offer me a place in his life. I was born to take care of a family. I was a born nurturer. I feel alive when the people I love need me. I feel alive when I’m in a position of peace where I can pray for people and be a blessing to them. I was born to serve. I feel like every power in hell is trying to prevent me from having real peace. I feel like I have been attacked by every demon in hell and on earth since the day that I stepped up in boldness and declared a new life for me and my son. The devastation and pressure and inability to thrive has been unrelenting. I beg god ..I make declarations in faith. I fall down but I always stand back up even when I stand alone..And I’m tired. I keep trying to figure out why I can’t get relief. Am I missing something ? Because it just isn’t making sense that nothing is coming together in my life . I have tried with everything in my power to rise out of turmoil and grief. I feel like I’m waiting on God and he has abandoned me. Like everything else in my life .. I’m waiting .. The way I wait to be enough for my one and only son…waiting for ..The love of my life. A happy home, peace and real intimacy. I shouldn’t be crying my heart out day after day and night after night. I shouldn’t have to work at a job where I am abused and then come home to my only son telling me he hates me and that I am dead to him. I don’t know why I’m writing this.. I am the most obedient I have ever been in my life and yet I am the loneliest I’ve ever been in my life. I just need prayer.