I am not sure how to accurately describe my request and keep it short and simple. I feel as though I am in the middle of a spiritual attack. I have had a difficult 4 years and am not sure how to overcome it. I prayed and prayed for my marriage to work. When I asked God to help me make the right decision, it seemed as if every window and door opened and fell in to place for me to leave a very unhealthy situation. I have been continually blessed in many areas and have tried to accept my season of singleness as a gift I desperately needed (I am 43 and was married at 16, divorced after 18 years, went right in to the second marriage so had never been single), and God continues to bless me. I struggle a bit financially but my needs are always met.
I feel so lonely and the couple of times I tried to date and move forward with my life were so toxic. Even though I ended those short relationships, I don’t completely let go. Maybe I don’t know how to feel completely loved. I often question how God can love me and what does it feel like to be loved by Him because surely I am missing something. I try to have faith and encourage others to seek God first in all they do but if I am honest, I am not good at doing that myself. I struggle with trying to do the right things and attempt to follow certain prescribed “rules” to please the Lord and yet I feel like I fail miserably. I am so confused. I just want to have an intimate relationship with God and don’t know how. I would like to have a partner in my life that is not toxic. Maybe it’s me? I always feel unworthy and undeserving of everything. I struggle with not being good enough for anyone or anything. It becomes so overwhelming. I feel like I am so unworthy of being loved even by God.