Not really sure how to start this. It started so long ago. My story is so minimal compared to yours. I don’t want to bore you, lose you to some other thought. But I guess in the end, it is an act of obedience anyway. I don’t even know what I want from it. I don’t really believe anything will change for me.
I used to be on fire. I laid my life down for the Lord…or at least that is what I thought. I loved the Lord with what I believed was all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. I was all in. And I met a young man in college who seemed to want Him, too. We waited for marriage, went to pre-marital counseling, got married in a Catholic Church with a priest (for his family) and a non-denominational pastor (for me and my family). It seemed God had truly blessed. We had 4 kids together and I walked away from an aerospace engineering career to stay at home to raise them. But about 13 years into our marriage, my husband decided we all needed to become Catholic. He pulled our kids from their non-denominational Christian school, and told me I was not allowed to take them to that church any more. But he would not stop me from going myself, because that was my choice. All my friends, and all my children’s friends were there, and I could not see why I needed to become catholic to be acceptable. Nevertheless, I knew my husband loved me, and even more so, I believed that God wanted me to stay with him–so I stayed.
Skip to now, 14 years from that time, and I am facing my last son graduating this year from high school. Slowly, through the years, I have lost most of my Christian friends, go to a church where I don’t really feel connected, and hide my internal grief and loneliness. My husband does not really go to church any more. And when he goes with me, he does not take communion, because it is not a Catholic church. He told one of our marriage counselors one time that I “should have been a nun”, and told our second son recently that he should “make sure he finds a woman that loves him more than she loves God”.
Maybe I cannot connect with people, I don’t know. This is my feeble effort at trying. I have been a DAB listener since 2009. I hear you, I pray for you, but I do not speak. I see no point, because I see no future. I have no career, my kids are nearly gone, and the part-time job I have will probably be ending after this school year. How does an engineer go back to work after 20 years? I am so tired. I don’t want to fight any more.
And yet, I still believe. I believe in Who He is. I somehow still believe in His heart. And that He can do miracles…if He is willing. So I bow my head and my heart and my soul and my spirit one more time, in the hopes that He alone can make these dry bones live.
I apologize for being so self-absorbed. I truly felt like the Lord wanted me to spit it out. And I really do want to do what He wants. I just don’t hear Him so well any more. Thank you for praying, because you guys are so great. I know you will. Thank you.