Bathroom Commode The story is told of a young lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her spanish language. She and her husband were planning a week’s vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the (BC) for short. “Does the campground have its own BC?” is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about? That (BC ) business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn’t imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about he local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply: Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a (BC ) is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the (BC) I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community. Sincerely, Campground Owner 😫🤣😂🤭

♥️Afraid of the Dark♥️ A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.” The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.” The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?” “Yes, I ‘m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom? 😫🤭🤣

Kids Say the Funniest Things 01. A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible — Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task, but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my shepherd . . . and that’s all I need to know!” 02. When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her daughter walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed. Seeing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining happily, “All the way home, God’s been taking my picture!” 03. A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, “Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you….” 04. A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, “Are you a Christian?” “Yes.” “Do you read your Bible every day?” She nodded her head, “Yes.” “Do you pray often?” the boy asked next, and again she answered, “Yes.” With that he asked his final question. “Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?” 05. One day a space shuttle crashed to the ground in the yard of a preschool. When he finally struggled out of the wreckage, the astronaut shouted, “I’m free! I’m free!!!” At this point, one of the little children standing there shouted back, “Big deal, I’m four!” 06. A Sunday School teacher asked her class, “Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?” A small girl replied: “Aren’t those the sins we should have committed, but didn’t?” 07. A bright 8-year-old child was being tested by the Speech Teacher and was given analogies and asked to describe the following differences: Speech Teacher: “What’s the difference between an oak tree and a Christmas tree?” Child: “One has leaves and the other has needles.” Teacher: “Very good! What’s the difference between a saucer and a plate?” Child: “One files and the other doesn’t.” 08. A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the flea?” 09. Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.” 10. Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So, why’s the groom wearing black?” 11. On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?” 12. A three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, “Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet.” He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, “Don’t kid me, Mom. I KNOW they’re my feet.” 13. A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.” “How did you know?” his mother asked. “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.” 😫🤣🤭

♥️Mischievous Brothers♥️ Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?” The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!” Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!” The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “what happened?” The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time dude. GOD is missing, and they think we did it! 😫🤣🤭

♥️Kids Say the Funniest Things 3♥️ 01. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? “Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” – Bobby, age 9 “Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” – Bart, age 9 “Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans, it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.” -Sarah, age 9 “See if the man has lipstick on his face.” – Sandra, age 7 “It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are — on fire!” – Christine, age 9 02. WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU?” “The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.” – Michelle, age 9 “Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it. Now they can go eat.” -Dick, age 7 03. WHY DOES LOVE HAPPEN BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE? “One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.” – Andrew, age 6 “No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” – Mae, age 9 “I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” – Manuel, age 8 04. WHAT IS FALLING IN LOVE LIKE? “Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life!” – John, age 9 “If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” – Glenn, age 7 05. WHAT IS THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE? “If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” – Anita C., age 8 “It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” – Brian, age 7 “Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” – Christine, age 9 06. WHAT ARE SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU? “Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” – Del, age 6 “Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs. . .and don’t worry if their parents are right there.” – Manuel, age 8 “Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” – Alonzo, age 9 “One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” – Bart, age 9 “Shake your hips and hope for the best.” – Camille, age 9 07. CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE “Love will find you even if you are trying to hide from it. I’ve been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” – Dave, age 8 08. WHY DO LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS? “They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.” – Gavin, age 8 “They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.” – John, age 9 09. HOW IMPORTANT IS LOVE? “Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.” – Greg, age 8

🥾Ill-Fitting Boots🥾 There was a teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was finally on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on this time on the right feet. He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.” The teacher didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots.” 😫🤣🤭

♥️Can Do♥️ Programmer to Team Leader: “We can’t do this proposed project. **CANNOT** It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can’t. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these type of projects.” Team Leader to Project Manager: “This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don’t have any staff with experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature.” Project Manager to 1st Level Management: “This project involves a design change in the system and we don’t have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project, but we would need more time than usual to complete it.” 1st Level Management to Senior Level Management: “This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion, we should take this project, but with caution.” Senior Level Management to CEO: “This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances.” CEO to Client: “This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame.” 🤭😃

Practicality vs. Religion During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!!!” The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed. The BAPTISTS cried, “Where is the holy water?” The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings. The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil. The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed the plate to cover the damage. The JEWS posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass. The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, “Every man for himself!” The FUNDAMENTALISTS proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!” The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out. The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS concluded that there was no fire. The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report. The SECRETARY grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out. 😫🤭😃

♥️Lost Man♥️ A man had been lost and walking in the desert for about five days. One hot day, he comes to the home of a preacher. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The preacher takes him in and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the preacher for directions to the nearest town. The preacher tells him the directions, and offers to lend him his horse to make it. The preacher says, “However, there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.” Anxious to get to town, the man says, “Sure, okay,” and gets on the horse. He says, “Thank God” and sure enough, the horse starts walking. A bit later he says louder, “Thank God, Thank God,” and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, “Thank God! Thank God! THANK GOD!” and the horse is soon up to a full run! About then he realizes he’s heading for a huge cliff and yells, “Whoa!” But the horse doesn’t even slow! It’s coming up REAL QUICK and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!” Finally he remembers, “AMEN!!!” The horse stops a mere two inches from the cliff’s edge, almost throwing him over its head. The man, panting and heart racing, wipes the sweat from his face and leans back in the saddle. “Oh!” he said, gasping for air, “Thank God.” 🤭🤣😫

Rich Man There was once a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money, and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So, he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward, the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase, Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!” But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.” Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!!!” 😫😫😫

Mothers of the Famous Columbus’ Mother: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Chris. You still could have written.” Michelangelo’s Mother: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?” Mary’s Mother: “I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.” Batman’s Mother: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?” Goldilocks Mother: “I’ve got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?” Albert Einstein’s Mother: “But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?” George Washington’s Mother: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!” Superman’s Mother: “Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?” Thomas Edison’s Mother: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light blub, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed.” 😫😫😫