I’m starting to lose hope. I had a job that I loved with a family that I adored and that I know the Lord gave me for four years. I didn’t have insurance and I was struggling with a bit of a health problem. An opportunity came along kind of out of the blue to work for the government. I wasn’t really unhappy but I have always been a bit unsettled because of my income not being enough to sustain a home of my own. (I live with my mother after a horrible divorce 4 years ago) I had several dreams that I thought indicated for me to take this government job.
The people that I worked for were gracious enough to offer me the same pay as the government and I still declined and took the other job. Stupid!!
I took the job and I didn’t know what I was doing!! I looked like a fool. I was humiliated every day in the training. Some of you might remember my calls. I literally faked my way through and was making 20’s on my exams and was in what felt like literall hell. I was like ok what is the point in this but I kept sticking it out. My instructor hated me probably because I prayed for him. I eventually quit because I was spending so much money being away from home for training and I never figured out how to get reimbursed for travel. I think I just wanted more income so desperately that I just made a mistake. Well now here I am 49 days later. Car payments and bills stacked to the ceiling and I feel like an even bigger fool. I’ve applied for over 200 jobs . I have a felony on my record. It’s never been an issue before and it’s suddenly an issue. I’ve never felt like such a loser. I am at am age where it is goofy to keep trying something new. I need the Lord to make a way. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was a mother and a wife.
I owned multiple businesses and was always successful and since I moved to Texas I look like an idiot. I’ve worked at 6 or more places and even been fired and my anxiety is though the roof and I’m just having a hard time trusting. I know that I’m called into ministry and I feel like my purpose has been shattered.. all I want is a home of my own. I hate living with my mother because she is narcissistic. I love her but the one thing I want is to be on my feet and it seems to be the one thing I can’t obtain.
I spent 15 years with a man who held freedom over my head and when I left him I walked away from a life of bondage .. so I thought.. yet I still can’t seem to find freedom..